Wednesday, 30 November 2011

It's Only Words...

I have been asked to review Steve McQueen's new film Shame for an online publication.

Initially I was excited, since I relish in sharing things I’ve loved & feel it is my nerdly duty to steer people away from the potentially disappointing loss of those hours which could have been spent contemplating the universe, eating or looking at funny Youtube videos. Or spending their time watching something that did not suck.

So reviewing is great. But... I've been asked to provide a biography & a picture, which leads to unnecessary over-thinking and “oh my god why do I have no pictures taken sober” anxiety.

And true horror...writing about myself in the third person.

Outside my head, I am on draft number 5. I have scoured the online profiles of other people on the site, to get the tone just right. I convince myself that I can edit all my relevant interests and a justification for strangers to spend their time reading my words, into a succinct paragraph. I cut anything that sounds like I am angling for Claudia Winkleman's job on Film 2011.

Inside my head, I am hamsterwheeleing through “can Esther avoid use of the third person” “does it sound like an online dating profile” “is it too dry” “will anyone get my joke” “will they even get that it’s a joke” “do I sound like a humungous tool” “how much does it cost to hire someone to do this for me”

Seriously. I’m agonizing over approximately 80 (Too long? Too short?) words of gubbins. It’s turned me into Woody Allen.

Here goes - less of a bio, more of a manifesto:

Hi I’m Esther.
You are probably reading this because you know me.
You may not agree with my opinions, but I hope you do, or don't think I'm crazy to hold them.
I do this because I watch a lot of stuff.
I am often trying to be as funny as I am informative.
I sometimes get irritated by irrational things. (Someone is trying to remake Oldboy...REALLY)
I sometimes love irrational things. (Twilight - ok love is the wrong term, but I've invested more time in them than I should)
Sometimes I hold contradictary thoughts about the same subject (I am obsessed with Twilight but totally see where this guy is coming from. He may despise Twilight, but he's funny doing it.)
I prefer to spread love not hate. However, I have no issue with spreading strong evidence based dislike (Brett Ratner -please do not contaminate the world with tastless racist, tacky, dumb derogatory verbal diarrhea. It's comments 6&8 that really make me want to punch him. You don't have an impressive enough body of work for people to ignore you being repulsive. But don't get me started on Roman Polanksi.)
Sometimes I rant.
Sometimes I digress.
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air.
Please read what I write, deliberate, cogitate, ruminate (I'm not that deep it won't take long), and hopefully enjoy. If you like it, I am grateful if you recommend it.
Damn that's 238 words...Draft 7 here I come.


And the photo. I am self conscious about my face. I don't think I'm hideous but I don't think I'm photogenic and tend to overcompensate by overposing. I am pathologically incapable of keeping a straight face. The comedy picture is not likely to be an option. That said, they don't know me so maybe I can pretend to be Claudia Black.

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